21 Days...

I had my third ride in three days today...and it was a big one for sure!  Today I did some climbing training at Deem Hills...yep, that's right...the same place I crashed hard on July 4th.  I have been avoiding that ride since crashing there, so I figured I had better face my fears, get back in the saddle, adapt and overcome!

My challenge is right in front of me

I really have been dreading this ride for some time...to put it bluntly, I was scared of it.  I knew yesterday that today I would be heading out to do this ride, and to be honest with you, I didn't sleep well last night.  I had at least two dreams about my crash...neither of them turning out very well...worse than the real deal.  When I got up this morning I came very close to changing my mind, and just staying home.  After a little mental battle with myself, I decided that I needed to get this ride completed...it was something that I absolutely needed to overcome.  When I left, I didn't share my fear with my wife, as I didn't want to worry her.  I did tell her where I was going, but I was not sure if she realized that was where I had crashed.

I love this veiw...but there's nowhere to go but down!

The lead-in to my crash...I jumped over this rise, then crashed.

Fear is something that I am not used to.  I don't say that to brag, or to make myself sound tough, or even fearless.  What I am saying is that I am not afraid of too many things....it's just not an emotion that presents itself too often in my life.  It may have something to do with my profession...or my profession may be the result of relative fearlessness.  Don't get me wrong here...I'm not saying that I am not afraid of anything, because I am.  The things that scare me are those things that I have no control over.  For example...you will probably never see me bungee-jump or sky-dive.  I was a rock climber for many years, so I learned early on that you must trust in your equipment.  When I climbed or participated in rope rescue, I used my equipment...not someone else's.  In this manner, I had some degree of control over the situation.  Bungee-jumping however, is performed using an elastic cord (made up of numerous bundles of smaller elastic cords) that has been subjected to an unknown number of shock-loads.  I have no idea what kind of shape the equipment is in, as it gets used over and over by different people, none of which weigh exactly the same, which in turn imparts repetitive stress on the cords.  I have no control over this situation...understand?  My profession is dangerous...there's no question about it.  I am not scared of the inherent dangers of the job however, due to the fact that our actions are based on a number of calculated risks, and continuous training.  So...while the act of firefighting may seem somewhat chaotic, it is conducted in a relatively controlled manner, thereby increasing the overall safety (and effectiveness) of the operation. 

This is the rock I hit...you can see a little scuff on the point.

This morning's ride however, did not seem to be the kind of controlled chaos that I am used to.  The crash left a mark on me...an emotional mark...and I couldn't help but feel that what happened was uncontrollable.  So for me, today's ride was similar to bungee-jumping.  While I had checked, double-checked, and even triple-checked my bike prior to the ride, there was still a great sense within me that I was entering into an uncontrollable environment.  Needless to say, I began my ride with an elevated heart rate, as my brain struggled to focus on the task at hand...climbing.  It was difficult not to think about what lay ahead...after the difficult climb. 

After climbing for what seemed like an eternity (about twenty minutes actually) I was at the top, overlooking the valley...what a beautiful view!  After stopping to enjoy the scenery, down a few gulps of water, and letting my heart rate return to normal, I was ready to begin my descent off of the mountain.  Once again my mind raced as I worked to think about what I needed to do, rather what I had done before...crash.  As I slowly began to creep forward, I realized that my heart rate had not come down much.  A quick glance at my heart rate monitor confirmed that I was pretty wound up...my heart rate was sitting at about 155!  My normal resting heart rate is somewhere between 48-52.  Slow deep breaths, in and out.  I took it easy this time down the mountain...no hot-dogging.  I elected to keep both wheels in contact with the terrain at all times today...I was not going to take any chances which would effectively decrease my level of control any lower than I already perceived it to be!

This pic shows the climb to the right, and the descent to left.

I decided to stop and take some pictures on the way down, of the area where I had crashed.  This would allow me to rest...you see, my heart rate was now around 160, and I was simply coasting down the trail!  I got some great pictures of the crash site, and eventually continued on with my ride, feeling good that I had overcome my fear, and finally put that crash behind me!